So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
