I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
