You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
