So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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