peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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