My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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