My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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