Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
