The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
