Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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