I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
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I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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