I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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