Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
