Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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