I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
