Moan for me like Helen Keller
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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