his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
