just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
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Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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