I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
