covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
