By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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