you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
