I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
