I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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