dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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