Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
