yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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