No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
