Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
