the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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