Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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