ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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