Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
