Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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