I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
