We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
