He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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