Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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