I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
