Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
