Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I puked a lego.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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