don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
