hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
