I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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