Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
