I checked into jail on foursquare
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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