oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
