Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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