thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
