I cockslap morals
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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