So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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