so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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