I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
