Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
