That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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