Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
