I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
