bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
