I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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