I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You don't make any sense
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