I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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