I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
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There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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