I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
