between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So I just went to clothing optional bar
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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