i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
