where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
