Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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