Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you would pick up someone in the library
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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